Switching Schools?

I am so proud of my high school. Always have been. I went there for four years and loved it the whole time. Even when I was failing classes, I was learning so much. Some of the teachers from that school hold the top ranks on my mental list of the smartest people I know. It was a good school.

I am not really proud of my university. It’s a prestigious school, with a wonderful reputation. I’m lucky to have gotten in, with my high school grades what they were. The campus is beautiful. The people are friendly, and there are some super silly traditions that appeal to me immensely. 

But honestly, the whole experience feels a bit like a joke. I’ve been there for two years and I don’t feel like I’m any better off for it. I haven’t learned anything in my classes, and it bothers me.  I’m smart, but I’m no genius. I have a lot to learn, and I’m paying an arm and a leg for these people to teach me, or at least point me in the direction I need to teach myself, and they aren’t doing either. I’ve learned more in my own free time these past few years than I have in classes, or doing projects for classes. That’s not okay with me.

The English department is decent. Not quite up to my standards, still haven’t learned a lot in those classes, but the professors at least seem very knowledgeable about their subject areas, which I can’t really say of other professors. But the education department, is laughable. No one likes it. It’s unorganized (a trait I’ve grown to associate with the entire university) and  the staff don’t communicate with one another. I’ve had the head of the department lose my paperwork. I’ve filled out four forms with the same information on each, just formatted differently. I’ve been told one thing by my education advisor, a different thing from the head of department, and a third thing entirely from the department secretary. No where have I been able to find a complete list of requirements for teaching licenses. I have had to piece together requirements listed on several different forms and make my own list.

My fiancé, who is going for his masters degree through the same program, took a required class called “Integrating Classroom Technology.” The professor had never taught before, so I wonder how much he really knew about technology in the classroom. How was he supposed to know the difference between effective and ineffective strategies, beyond his own personal preference, if he had never run a classroom prior to teaching about classroom technology? (as a side note: man only had a bachelors degree, even though he was teaching a graduate class. I don’t believe that degrees define worth or skill, but he already, in my opinion, was not qualified. If they weren’t having someone qualified, they could at least pick someone who was unqualified who had been through the same process!)

I don’t want to finish at my university, but I’m too far into my English degree to transfer. I would much rather have a degree from a school I can be proud of. It doesn’t even need to be as good as Sturgis was. Just needs to be better than this.

I recently found out that the other college in the area DOES do teaching licensure (despite having been told to the contrary in the past). They also have a program where someone who already has a degree can just take classes for their teaching license. I’m nearly finished with my English degree, and was planning to spend a million more years getting my teaching license anyways, but now I’m considering just finishing my English degree really fast, and switching to the other school. Dropping my Education stuff temporarily. I haven’t made the final decision yet, I need to do a lot more research before I can, but that’s what I’m leaning towards right now. 

And I think it might end up being cheaper that way anyways.

G is for Grade level

In the district I grew up in, you had to be 5 years old before September 1st to start kindergarten. My sister was born in early September. We have a cousin, born exactly a month before, meaning, despite being the same age, they were always in different grades. This caused a fair few arguments between them.

But that wasn’t the real problem. The real problem is the kindergarten curriculum. ABCs, how to count to 100, and her colors. My sister was 6 years old. She was reading at a 3rd grade level, and doing double-digit addition and subtraction, and bring home coloring sheets with the directions "Color the A green."

We tried to get her bumped up a grade. Socially, she was advanced as well from a couple years in pre-school, as well as having several other kids in the neighborhood her own age. The school said no. They no longer allow students to be bumped up grades, not matter how advanced they were. (When I was in kindergarten, they tried to bump me up, however I was not socially ready for it.)

Since then, she has consistently been a grade or two above her classmates in school.

In September, she started 7th grade. A few months ago, she was switched to a home-schooling program. Last week, she was about to start regular school, but because she was in a home school program, they had to test her grade level.

Thursday, my sister finally started 8th grade. The same grade my cousin is in. I’m glad she’s finally not SO far ahead.

I’m also nervous. That means she starts highschool next September. Oh. My. God. I’m not ready for that.

I just did the math...

School started. I'm so thrilled.

But I'm also really overwhelmed.

Here's what my week-day schedule looks like.
7:30- wake up, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack my bag (school stuff, food, work uniform, etc) ALSO try and get some housework done
8:30- Drive to school.
9:00- Classes then work study (two classes on monday/wednesday/friday and only a little time for w/s. One class on Tues/thurs, and longer w/s)
12:00- Eat lunch, do homework
1:00- Another class, then work study again
3:30- a 20 minute cab ride to work, then change into my uniform in the bathroom.
4:00- regular work starts
11:00- drive home. go directly to bed because I'm EXHAUSTED!


I'm so SO glad to be back in school, and I knew what I was getting myself into going back, so I feel sort of awful wining about it. Can you really whine about how hard something is, if you love it? If you knew it would be hard?

I'm sort of stressed out about my homework. I still haven't figured out how or when I'll do it. I guess I'll have to do it all over the weekends, the week before it's due, because I don't have any other time to do it.

I miss Jeffrey. I see him every day, of course, but only during car rides, really. And I miss him. And I miss being able to call my sisters, but I can't anymore because I work when they're not in school, and they're in school during my free hour.

God that's so sad. "my one free hour." But that's what I signed up for. I usually have one or two days off from regular work in the week. This week I was off Tuesday and I'll be off saturday, which will be a glorious relaxing day, except for the homework. My dad keeps pestering me to go look at this house he found online cheap, but I don't know when he expects me to go down there. I just want to sleep. I'd like to eat some decent food. Mostly, I'm living off of crackers, lunch meat, oranges, and fast-food. I haven't cooked in forever. I miss food. I want chicken. Baked salsa chicken.

And a nap. God, I'm so tired. So happy to be in school, but I wish it were easier. Lately, I've been feeling a little bitter about a couple of the people I've met. Most of the people here are okay, but there are some who just don't get it, and blame me for that. I don't go around telling my story, but sometimes an "I can't do XXXXX, I've got to work" comes up in conversation. I had one girl tell me I should quit my job because school was more important, and she "bet that if I quit my job, my parents would start helping out". Yeah? Really? I mean, yeah, she doesn't know why exactly my parent's aren't helping, but come ON? I wanted to scream at her "MY MOTHERS IN FUCKING REHAB AND NOT SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN, AND MY FATHER IS HOMELESS AND BROKE AND DISABLED AND HAS NO MONEY!"

But of course I didn't. I said "I'm sure they'd help if they could, but they really can't right now. If I quit my job, I'd have to quit school, too."

Oh I don't know whether I mentioned it right now, but the uncle who was supposed to help me pay for school can't after all, so I really am going it on my own. Student loans were my worst nightmare, but I took one out anyways. I needed to. I needed to go to school. I'm going to do my damnedest to make this worth it.

I'm going to continue with my A's, and work my "part time" job (have I mentioned yet that for several weeks I've been getting about 36-38 hour a week? More hours means more money, and I need it desperately.) , and I don't care how tired I get, because I know that it's possible. I've heard of people paying their way through school, getting straight A's, working full time jobs, or several part-timers. Now I'm going to join that crowd.

Oh and I've got so much more to say, but it's time for class.

Actually though, I don't have afternoon work study after class today because the department I work in is closed this afternoon. So I'm glad for that, even though it means less hours, and less money.

Can you Taste it?

It's so close I can taste it. College. That thing I've been working towards, wanting so badly, since forever.....

I've been accepted. I've been awarded a financial aid package. I've gotten all the forms I need. It's so close. A four year school. A degree that I can use and be proud of.

But semester starts Monday. It's Wednesday, and I still have piles of paperwork to do. I dont have my aid award letter, though it's in the mail. I don't have my vaccination history, which I need, or my advisors name, or my log in. I'm not even registered for classes. I don't know how I'm going to commute from school in the mornings, to work in the evenings, because Jeffrey will still be at work, and I don't have a license or a car.

I'm scared.

I'm thrilled.

But I'm scared. I dont know if I can make this magic work. I'm not sure I know how. So this is hard, and scary, and I don't know what to do. But it's so close, and I've worked so hard, and I'm not giving up yet.

Apparently, this is about Harry Potter

Pride, Anger, and other emotions

Lately, I’ve been super-emotional, but I haven’t been able to figure out why. Today it hit me. I haven’t been sharing. Not only have I not been blogging, but I haven’t been talking about things either. There has been a LOT going on, but I just haven’t been willing to talk. I put myself under pressure, trying to keep it all to myself, trying to “be strong.”

I should know by now that “be strong” means “do what is necessary to take care of yourself.” It doesn’t mean hold all that emotion in. It doesn’t mean you can’t share.

It’s not all bad things. It’s just an overwhelming number of things. Just as a warning: this post is going to be really long, and really all over the place. It’s going to be a dump of everything I’ve been feeling for the past month. Get Ready or Stop Reading. There are no other options.

Virginia. I moved back down here, and I can’t help but feel a little ashamed. Everyone feels like I gave up, and it’s so easy for me to feel like I’ve done so too. I don’t like giving up. I know, in my head, that what I did was the right thing. I couldn’t, honestly was not capable of doing what it was I wanted. I couldn’t make money appear from thin air. I couldn’t make my mother stop drinking. And since I was unable to do those two things, I was slowly losing my sanity there. I was trying to make the impossible happen.

So why do I feel guilty? My mother wont talk to me about college. I’ve decided to go to Hollins University, instead. But every time that comes up in conversation with my mother, she gets really angry. Shut up. I gave up the college I wanted to, and in part, I did so because of you. If I had a place to stay up in Massachusetts, I still wouldn’t have been able to go that semester, but I could have gone the next semester, or maybe next fall. But I couldn’t stand living with you, Mom. You made me cry EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY! That’s just not healthy. I couldn’t do it. So why, why, WHY do you make me feel bad every time I mention college. Shouldn’t my not being happy at home be my punishment? Shouldn’t giving up something that I wanted so badly be enough? Why do you insist on telling me how much of a mistake I’m making?.... and why can’t I be honest with you, and tell you how angry I am?

And then there’s my sisters. I still don’t know what to do about them? They don’t want me to call DCF. They will be separated again, and they would rather stay together at my mothers house, than be separated in a happier place. I understand that so very much. But it tears me apart. They deserve to be together in a happy place. They deserve better than this. Do I give them what they want? Or what I think it healthier? But is being separated from the person they trust most (each other) really any healthier?

The only person who I would feel comfortable asking for advice is my aunt, but I know what she’d say. And I’m also afraid to call her, because I also know that she’ll be disappointed in me for giving up my dream school. My whole family is college-obsessed and it drives me crazy. I’m going to school. Maybe not the school I wanted to, but school just the same. Why does it matter to them what school I go to? If they weren’t so nutty about it, I would be much better off. But I’m afraid to talk to anyone about anything, because it always comes back to college, and no one is ever satisfied with what I do. I wish people could realize that, at least so far as school goes, my choices are necessities, rather than choices. My mental well being means more to me than whatever school my degree comes from. I wish I meant more to everyone else.

And my dad. Things are fine now, I talked to him 3 days ago. But before that, I hadn’t talked to him since the day I moved out. I kept calling him, kept emailing him, kept getting no response. And I know he was around. He was commenting on facebook about thing. But never to me. It hurt me so terribly. Apparently, he was just busy, he finally called me, but even still, it stings to know that the picture of my sister’s new hair cut was more important than a quick “hey how are you?” email to me.

I’m not really happy here, if I’m going to be totally honest, but all the reasons are stupid. I think it’s more that I’m unhappy because people expect me to be, because really, the things here are okay. Jeffrey’s grandma loves to take care of people. She loves feeding people, and she’s very get-things-done-ish. She once folded my laundry, because I left it in the drier for more than an hour, and seemed pretty thrilled when I thanked her. She’s such a sweet lady. I’ve never had anyone even offer to do so much for me, never mind actually going and doing it all. She’s wonderful. In fact, all my future in-laws are wonderful. I love Jeffrey’s parents too. I wish we got up to see them more (but they live about 2 hours away)

But she has some habits that drive me crazy. For example, she buys things that she doesn’t need, because they have a low price. They aren’t on sale, its not an unusually low price, but she’ll buy 8 loaves of bread because “it’s a good deal.” It is a good price, but it’s also their regular price. She goes to the grocery store every Tuesday. She really only needs one loaf of bread. If by next week she needs another, she can grab one for the same price, since she’ll be at the store anyways. And she puts it in the freezer, to keep it from going bad. But not just the 7 extra loaves of bread. She’ll freeze all 8 of them, and defrost a little if she wants it. It’s really irritating, when I’m hungry. You can’t defrost bread in the microwave; it’ll get soggy. So I have to wait several hours for the bread to come to room temperature. It’s not just bread that she does this with. It’s everything. I’ve never been in a house with so much delicious, but inedible food. I don’t plan my snacks in advance, and because of that, I no longer eat snacks all that often. And I feel so terribly guilty for being unhappy over something so silly. The phrase “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” comes back to me. But sometimes, I’m hungry and I don’t want to wait for bread to defrost, but I have no choice and it makes me cranky. I don’t like being hungry.

And the final bit, the thing that really kills me inside, is that yesterday was my sister’s 13th birthday, and she told me not to call her. I couldn’t even wish her a real happy birthday. It broke my heart. I don’t even know what to say about that. She wanted me to call in the evening, since she had plans in the day. I understand that. Makes perfect sense to me. I didn’t want to interrupt her plans. I texted her throughout the day a little, and wished her a few happy birthdays that way, but I was so eager to say it to her out-loud. I love birthdays. Anyone’s birthdays. They make me happy. So in the evening I texted her “Hey are you busy?” Her response was “No, but I don’t really want to talk. I’ll probably scream at the next person who tries”

“Are you okay? What happened?”
“Someone said something but I don’t want to talk about it.”

I sort of fell apart. First of all, who the hell pissed my sister off on her birthday? That’s not okay. I was totally ready to pummel whoever did that. And then I was hurt, because I wouldn’t get to say happy birthday to her. What kind of sister does call to say happy birthday? Ten years from now will she remember that I didn’t call her on her 13th birthday and be angry? I should have called, despite the threat of being yelled at. I mean, 13 is a big birthday. It’s when you turn into the dreaded teenager (which is a whole ‘nother emotional mess for me. I can clearly  remember the day Amanda was born. How on earth did that tiny baby turn into this teenager? And even moreso, how did it happen so fast?)

So yesterday I was dealing with that when someone posted a trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I smiled. I really love when people post Harry Potter things. HP was more-or-less my entire life for a few years, and is still a very much loved part of it. I occasionally spend my free time browsing the Harry Potter Wiki. So about half a second after I smiled, I burst into tears. I wasn’t just teary-eyed. I was actually sobbing. This movie will be part-one of the very last Harry Potter book. I can’t believe its almost over. I cried when the book series ended, because it was the end. But I managed to remind myself that it wasn’t the end. There were still movies to wait for and look forward to. But that’s not going to last much longer. Since I was 9 years old, I haven’t stopped waiting, stopped anticipating Harry Potter something. First I was waiting for the 4th book. Then the first movie, then the 5th book, and so on. Now what? I have the last bits of movies, and the encyclopedia that JKR promised, and then what? That’s half my life that’s almost over. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t like endings, even when they make sense. Even when it’s time for something to end. I don’t like books to end. I don’t like series to end. I didn’t want high school to end. I don’t like when songs end. When I enjoy something, I want to continue to enjoy it.

Stubbornly, I’ve refused to watch any of the Deathly Hallows trailers. I don’t want to admit that it’s ending. But last night I remembered right before the third movie came out. I was with Chelsea, and we had been working on a school project. I was in 7th grade, and the project was to design a plant. Yes, a plant. We called it Chrelesanie, which is both of our names merged together. That night was the same day that the trailer for the third movie came out. So as we worked, we had the trailer loading on her computer. Occasionally we’d stop to see how far it had gotten. She had dial-up internet, and it took forever, but I still remember that night, and remember how important that trailer was. I remember when the cover art for the Half-Blood-Prince book came out. I remember one of my friends on the bus had internet access through her cell phone and we spent forever trying to bring up a picture that we could see on her tiny little screen. I remember how much I ENJOYED the anticipation and waiting for these movies and books. I counted down days, and even hours. I have been to midnight book releases, and a midnight movie premier. And I think I finally do have to let myself watch Deathly Hallows trailers. Putting off seeing them wont make the end not come, but it will stop me from enjoying my anticipation of this movie, the way I’ve enjoyed waiting for every other book and movie.

I can’t believe I wrote more about Harry Potter than anything else. I’m such a nerd.

Busy Weekend

It's been a busy busy busy weekend. I did that one update on my blog, and that took up almost all my free time this entire weekend.

Saturday morning I got a sunburn! No, actually saturday morning was my wonderful fiance Jeffrey's graduation. I'm super proud of him. He was recognized separately from the rest of the students graduating in his major, because he was named Deans Scholar, among other honors. Meanwhile, my sunscreen apparently was faulty. Brand new that morning, applied twice in 6 hours, and yet I still got a KILLER sunburn. It still hurts terribly.

My mother and one of my sisters came down for his graduation and stayed around Sunday. I'm not sure my mom had a good time. She seemed to be enjoying herself but every now and then she'd get really quiet and look annoyed. I wonder if its because we were always in a big crowd, and she and I got no one-on-one time. I guess that's my fault, for suggesting she stay at Jeffrey's grandma's house. It was nice though. I had a great weekend with my sister and mom, and mothers day was fun.

Today though, today was a scary day for me. I am (was?) taking four classes. Three of my final exams were scheduled for today. History, which I was not worried about. English, which I was mostly not worrysome, but my teacher is a grammar-lover, and she has all sorts of fancy grammar terms which I never knew. I knew how to use proper grammar, and I knew what was wrong and why, but I never knew things had fancy names. I was afraid I'd forget some of those. Then I had Physics, which SCARED THT CRAP OUT OF ME! I was sure I was going to fail it. I didn't know electricity. I barely knew waves. Lenses? Mirrors? GAH!  On top of all I had no sleep for two days (the sunburn is all over my back and shoulders. I am one of those toss-in-your-sleep types, and each time I'd try to roll I'd wake myself up in pain. Not fun!) I had no time to study over the weekend, because of all the events and familyness. I was sure I was going to fail everything.

But it turns out, the history test was as easy as I predicted. The English test was better than I thought (mostly she asked us about how the rules worked, and not what they were called. yay!) and the physics test. Oh boy. It was crazy. And by crazy, I mean EASY! It was the easiest test I had taken in that class all semester. I was so relieved.

After doing so well on my exams, while being tired and in sunburn pain, I feel like I can do anything! So what am I going to do now? Now I have made an official statement to write 500-1000 words of The Circle before bedtime. And not just any words, but good words. Ones that make sense. I feel like I can do anything!