Switching Schools?

I am so proud of my high school. Always have been. I went there for four years and loved it the whole time. Even when I was failing classes, I was learning so much. Some of the teachers from that school hold the top ranks on my mental list of the smartest people I know. It was a good school.

I am not really proud of my university. It’s a prestigious school, with a wonderful reputation. I’m lucky to have gotten in, with my high school grades what they were. The campus is beautiful. The people are friendly, and there are some super silly traditions that appeal to me immensely. 

But honestly, the whole experience feels a bit like a joke. I’ve been there for two years and I don’t feel like I’m any better off for it. I haven’t learned anything in my classes, and it bothers me.  I’m smart, but I’m no genius. I have a lot to learn, and I’m paying an arm and a leg for these people to teach me, or at least point me in the direction I need to teach myself, and they aren’t doing either. I’ve learned more in my own free time these past few years than I have in classes, or doing projects for classes. That’s not okay with me.

The English department is decent. Not quite up to my standards, still haven’t learned a lot in those classes, but the professors at least seem very knowledgeable about their subject areas, which I can’t really say of other professors. But the education department, is laughable. No one likes it. It’s unorganized (a trait I’ve grown to associate with the entire university) and  the staff don’t communicate with one another. I’ve had the head of the department lose my paperwork. I’ve filled out four forms with the same information on each, just formatted differently. I’ve been told one thing by my education advisor, a different thing from the head of department, and a third thing entirely from the department secretary. No where have I been able to find a complete list of requirements for teaching licenses. I have had to piece together requirements listed on several different forms and make my own list.

My fiancé, who is going for his masters degree through the same program, took a required class called “Integrating Classroom Technology.” The professor had never taught before, so I wonder how much he really knew about technology in the classroom. How was he supposed to know the difference between effective and ineffective strategies, beyond his own personal preference, if he had never run a classroom prior to teaching about classroom technology? (as a side note: man only had a bachelors degree, even though he was teaching a graduate class. I don’t believe that degrees define worth or skill, but he already, in my opinion, was not qualified. If they weren’t having someone qualified, they could at least pick someone who was unqualified who had been through the same process!)

I don’t want to finish at my university, but I’m too far into my English degree to transfer. I would much rather have a degree from a school I can be proud of. It doesn’t even need to be as good as Sturgis was. Just needs to be better than this.

I recently found out that the other college in the area DOES do teaching licensure (despite having been told to the contrary in the past). They also have a program where someone who already has a degree can just take classes for their teaching license. I’m nearly finished with my English degree, and was planning to spend a million more years getting my teaching license anyways, but now I’m considering just finishing my English degree really fast, and switching to the other school. Dropping my Education stuff temporarily. I haven’t made the final decision yet, I need to do a lot more research before I can, but that’s what I’m leaning towards right now. 

And I think it might end up being cheaper that way anyways.

CAR CAR C-A-R

I grew up in a neighborhood with a bunch of other kids. When we were playing in the road and a car came my friend Morgan, my age, would shout-sing "Car, Car! C-A-R!" She tried it once with truck and it didn't have the same sing-songiness. I can't type the word "car" without thinking of that little song. Somehow, it became a part of me.


This past week I took (and passed!) my driving test, bought a car, and figured out insurance. Jeffrey helped me inspect the cars (I dont know what to look for, so far as potential problems go) but other than that, I did it all on my own. I'm really proud of myself. Yes of course, because I got my license, because I saved up and bought my first car and paid in full. Yes, because I figured out all the insurance stuff on my own.

But also because of the little things that most people wouldn't think to ask me about, or wouldn't think are big deals. I'm proud of myself because for the first time ever, I feel like I'm totally in control of my anxiety disorder. Things that are triggers for my horrible attacks? Talking to strangers, being in the spotlight, talking on the phone. All three things which I have done in the past week. Not only was I able to handle all of these things without having an attack, but I was able to handle all of them RIGHT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.

I'm feeling quite proud of myself. Like I've finally done something right. Also, this means school is possible. I always feared, in the back of my mind, that I wouldn't be able to get to my classes because I wouldn't get a car/my license, and Jeffrey wouldn't be able to drive me. Those fears are now at ease, and I have one week before classes start. I think things will settle down a bit then.

Budget

This morning I decided to re-vamp our budget. I made a nice pretty one back when we were living with Grandma, sometime around Decemeber, but at the time, it was all hypothetical. We weren't paying our own bills for much of anything. And then the program that I used crashed (wtf quattro pro? why are you broken? and why am I the only person on the internet to ever have this problem? I can't find it documented anywhere!) and so that budget rotted away.

But I'm an anxious one, and I've watched debt ruin both of my parents at different points of my life, so I really needed to figure things out. I opened up excel, which I have very limited experience with, and taught myself how to use it. I did add in a couple hypotheticals - car insurance for me - but I used a high estimate that I'd gotten - and after I did all the adding and subtracting we are making about $120 a month. I was very excited, until I came to a horrible realization.
 
We have three bills that we don't pay. My father pays my cell phone bill, and his parents pay for his car insurance and his health insurance. Once I added numbers for those in, we end up losing money. But actually, we could probably afford to pay our parents to pay our bills. Their bills are cheaper to pay than ours would be. My father pays an extra $10 a month for my cell phone, but if I had my own plan it would be at least $50/month. Same thing with Jeffrey's health and car insurances. We're borderline able to afford it all, through other people.

But for one moment in time, I was so proud of us. Not a lot of young couples in college get to say that they are doing it all on their own and saving money. For a brief moment I thought we were. Now, I'm determined to make it happen. I was already planning on getting a second job, but then I thought "eh, we're doing alright with me only working one." Now, I'm definitely going to (try at least to) get a second job for the rest of the summer.


Right now, even though we have student loans, we have enough money in savings to pay them back, and not totally drain our accounts. The only reason we haven't done it yet is because we may need that money to pay for me to go to school this upcoming year. My uncle still says he'll take care of it, but that didn't happen last semester (thus, the loans being taken out in the first place). Right now, if I don't pay back my loans immediately, I WILL still be able to afford to go back to school. And because of the type of loan they are, I don't acquire any interest on them while I'm in school. I'd still really like to pay them back, before they start acquiring interest, but right now, no rush.

Blessed

Back in January and February a homeless man used to come into Wendy's every day, and stay for hours reading his bible, or chatting with us and the other customers. He was a great man. Always laughing, making jokes, telling people he would pray for them. He never begged, even though he was quite open about his homelessness. Often, he refused people's offers to buy him something, explaining that if they did, would they please leave contact information so that he could pay them back someday.

One day, he came in, and headed straight for his table, where he sat, reading his bible. After an hour or two, he hadn't bought anything, which was unusual for him, but not unheard of. But that night, he looked sad, downtrodden. He didn't talk to me when I went by cleaning the tables, or when I went on break.

While on my break, I tried to talk to him, but he didn't seem to want to talk. After a while, I asked if he was hungry. His response was "you don't have to buy me anything."

"That wasn't the question." I rolled my eyes for effect. "Are you hungry?"

A little, but don't worry about it.

"I do worry," I explained. "No one should be hungry if they don't have to be." I got up, and went to buy him something.

"Just one doublestack," he said. It was our cheapest sandwich. Ninety nine cents. One-eleven after tax.

Sometime in early march he stopped being around. I often wondered what happened to him. About two weeks ago he reappeared. He didn't say a word to me or any of my co-workers. He didn't chat with any of the customers, and he didn't hang around and read his bible. He just came, ordered, ate, and left. At first I thought it was just someone who looked like him. A couple days later, he did the same

And then two days ago, he again came in, ordered, sat and ate. He didn't pull out his bible. I went on break and sat down, eating my own food. And by that point I had decided it wasn't him after all. That we now had a new regular who just reminded me of that old one. I mostly ignored him, since he didn't seems as social as he used to. I was texting my sister, and thinking about how I hadn't done dishes before work, when he came over and leaned over my table.

"Remember me?" he asked.

What? It was him after all. "Of course," I said. "Where've you been?"

"I got a job, working as a janitor at a church. I work most evenings so I don't come in anymore. I just wanted to give you this." he held his hand out. In it was one dollar, one dime, and one penny. $1.11.  One double stack. "Here. And thank you for that burger."

I told him to keep his money, and reminded him of what I said that night in February. No one should go hungry. I explain to him that when I buy someone food, I don't expect to get that money back, but I thanked him, anyways. The fact that he remembered and tried to pay me back meant a lot to me. I couldn't explain it to him then, and I can't now. It's a powerful gesture. I wanted to cry, or laugh or thank him more. But he just told me to have a blessed night, and then he left before I really figured out how to react.


I hope you have a wonderful, blessed life. You've certainly touched mine.

E is for Eurovision

It turns out that when I find something I like, I get a bit fanatical. A few years ago I started getting into Eurovision. For those who don't know, it's a song contest. European countries who want to participate choose a song, and in May they all get together, and perform live, and... it's a contest so there are winners and greatness all around.

The countries have all chosen their songs now, and released their official music videos. I'm really disappointed that most of the music videos are the singers performing on stage. I mean, I LOVE seeing them perform live, but that's what the contest is for. This pre-contest build up is about.... pre-contest build up. I was looking forward to the videos. Oh well I guess.


Last year, I was certain from the moment I saw it, that Lena was going to win it for Germany. The song was catchy, cute, and any girl who had ever had a crush on a boy could relate. And the singer, well she was just adorable.There was no question in my mind that it was the winner. It wasn't my favorite song, but it was the obvious choice. (For the record, I was supporting Moldova, and am still not over how low they ranked in the final.)

This year, Germany has my favorite entry, with the same singer who won last year, but the song isn't a winner. It just wont make it.

This year, I'm fairly sure Ireland's Jedward will win, with a song called Lipstick. I'm not as certain about it as I was last year about Satellite being the winning song, but I'm still pretty certain. Let me make it abundantly clear that I CANNOT STAND THIS SONG, and that I think the singer (and their hair!) look ridiculous. Just... no thanks.

A part of me wants to bet on it. Last year, I regretted not betting on Lena when I was completely certain she would win (really, I could have made a small fortune!). Another part of me thinks betting on it isn't a good idea. I'm not as certain of the outcome, and, the real issue, if I bet on Jedward, than I would be hoping for them to win, even with a crappy song. I don't want them to win, and I don't even want to lend them my sideways "well if you win I can make some money" sort of support.