Pinterest, Sewing and Other Fun Things

When I was a kid, I loved sewing by hand, but eventually I stopped. When I was older, we got a sewing machine and I loved that too, before my mom decided it needed to live in the basement, out of the way. A few weeks ago, maybe a month, I decided I wanted to get back into sewing.

A couple weeks later, my best friend sent me a link to a "pin" on Pinterest. She, along with the rest of my friends, loves coming up with ideas for my wedding. It's the little girl in us all coming out again. Every little girl plans her wedding. The first girl to get engaged in any group of friends gets a lot of help planning her wedding. So she sent me a link to some wedding invitations. I explored Pinterest and fell in love. I started by looking at wedding ideas, photos and DIY tutorials for weddings and parties. Then I realized that people were posting home ideas. Everyone knows that I'm really big into things like that. I'm a furniture junkie with a love of buildings, and a love of colors. A few days after I started pinning like a mad fiend, I discovered a lot of people were posting..... wait for it...... SEWING THINGS! Patterns, tips, ideas, product reviews on sewing machines. places to buy cheap fabric.


I really need a sewing machine, but in the mean time, Jeffrey's grandma is letting me use hers whenever I want. I've already got a few simple projects I want to try, and some complex ones that I want to try but that need to wait until my skill level increases.

And I've got a new favorite website that provides me with a never-ending supply of ideas for sewing projects, and home ideas. And wedding ideas. And a lot of other things (recipies! <3 ). I'm happy.

F is for Food

I was going to write about Friends. But so far I've seen three A-Z Challenge posts about friends. I can never ever thank my friends enough for just existing, but I also feel ridiculous writing another post that has been written so much already. And I really don't have much to say on the family-front. What other F-words do I have in my life right now?

Food. I love cooking. I love eating. I miss both. If I had my way, I'd cook a meal or two every day, and baked goods whenever we ran out.

Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do that. I can cook here and there at random, based on how much time I have, and how much energy. I made french toast last night, when I got home at 10PM. Quick, easy, delicious, and relatively healthy.

Does anyone have any recipe suggestions for foods I can make that take less than 15 minutes? If I could make a meal in only 15 minutes, I might be able to do it more often, which would be good for my mental health (I love cooking) good for my budget (I'm living off a lot of expensive microwave food) and good for my health (see: microwave food).

Recipes?

A-Z Challenge

I've just signed up for the A-Z Challenge, which, for those who are too lazy to click the link (don't worry, I'd be one of those lazies if I wasn't typing this) is a challenge to write a blog post whose subject starts with the letter of the day, every day of April except sundays.

"But today is april second! You missed a day already!"

Yes, not sorta.... The reason my post is late is the subject of my A-post anyways.

And thesubject is "Abdomen"

I've been sick twice this week. The first time, it was a chest cold, and I got over that fast enough. This time, it was a very very strange pain in my, you guessed it, abdomen. It felt vaguely like a sore throat, only in my stomach. That same burn-y feeling, pain. It didn't come with any nausea, but it hurt like hell.

It came on really suddenly, when I was at work. One moment I was standing around, washing trays. It was so sudden and such a sharp pain that I gasped. I doubled over. I thought "It came on suddenly, maybe it'll leave just as suddenly." but after 45-minutes of walking around bent in half I decided I needed to go home. I didn't feel sick. I just hurt, and I felt silly as crap asking my boss to send me home because of it. But walking bent over wasn't working. I was dropping things, and spilling things. I was a mess.

When I called Jeffrey, he thought it was appendicitis, rushed me to the hospital, and did some weird press-on-my-belly test that apparently doctors and triage nurses do. I didn't have appendicitis, so we didn't go into the hospital. We went home.

It was so bad, that I ended up crying after a while. I just couldn't handle it. Jeffrey decided that it might be an ulcer. His mom said it might be some stomach or intestinal virus. I didn't care. I just wanted it to stop..... and then it did. It just went numb. It was the weirdest thing. Totally completely couldn't feel anything. It was like a giant hole in the middle of my abdomen. Gone. It was the weirdest thing ever. You never realize how much you are aware of your stomach until you suddenly aren't.

I went to bed. What else could I do with a numb stomach? I didn't want to eat, in case it was a virus (didn't want what I ate coming out in an unpleasant way) and if it was an ulcer, those hurt more a while after you eat. And the numbness just freaked me out.

I woke up this morning feeling normal. A but hungry, but my stomach just felt like a stomach. Nothing weird has happened to it all day. No pain, no numbness. Just normal. So we're good.

Apparently, this is about Harry Potter

Pride, Anger, and other emotions

Lately, I’ve been super-emotional, but I haven’t been able to figure out why. Today it hit me. I haven’t been sharing. Not only have I not been blogging, but I haven’t been talking about things either. There has been a LOT going on, but I just haven’t been willing to talk. I put myself under pressure, trying to keep it all to myself, trying to “be strong.”

I should know by now that “be strong” means “do what is necessary to take care of yourself.” It doesn’t mean hold all that emotion in. It doesn’t mean you can’t share.

It’s not all bad things. It’s just an overwhelming number of things. Just as a warning: this post is going to be really long, and really all over the place. It’s going to be a dump of everything I’ve been feeling for the past month. Get Ready or Stop Reading. There are no other options.

Virginia. I moved back down here, and I can’t help but feel a little ashamed. Everyone feels like I gave up, and it’s so easy for me to feel like I’ve done so too. I don’t like giving up. I know, in my head, that what I did was the right thing. I couldn’t, honestly was not capable of doing what it was I wanted. I couldn’t make money appear from thin air. I couldn’t make my mother stop drinking. And since I was unable to do those two things, I was slowly losing my sanity there. I was trying to make the impossible happen.

So why do I feel guilty? My mother wont talk to me about college. I’ve decided to go to Hollins University, instead. But every time that comes up in conversation with my mother, she gets really angry. Shut up. I gave up the college I wanted to, and in part, I did so because of you. If I had a place to stay up in Massachusetts, I still wouldn’t have been able to go that semester, but I could have gone the next semester, or maybe next fall. But I couldn’t stand living with you, Mom. You made me cry EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY! That’s just not healthy. I couldn’t do it. So why, why, WHY do you make me feel bad every time I mention college. Shouldn’t my not being happy at home be my punishment? Shouldn’t giving up something that I wanted so badly be enough? Why do you insist on telling me how much of a mistake I’m making?.... and why can’t I be honest with you, and tell you how angry I am?

And then there’s my sisters. I still don’t know what to do about them? They don’t want me to call DCF. They will be separated again, and they would rather stay together at my mothers house, than be separated in a happier place. I understand that so very much. But it tears me apart. They deserve to be together in a happy place. They deserve better than this. Do I give them what they want? Or what I think it healthier? But is being separated from the person they trust most (each other) really any healthier?

The only person who I would feel comfortable asking for advice is my aunt, but I know what she’d say. And I’m also afraid to call her, because I also know that she’ll be disappointed in me for giving up my dream school. My whole family is college-obsessed and it drives me crazy. I’m going to school. Maybe not the school I wanted to, but school just the same. Why does it matter to them what school I go to? If they weren’t so nutty about it, I would be much better off. But I’m afraid to talk to anyone about anything, because it always comes back to college, and no one is ever satisfied with what I do. I wish people could realize that, at least so far as school goes, my choices are necessities, rather than choices. My mental well being means more to me than whatever school my degree comes from. I wish I meant more to everyone else.

And my dad. Things are fine now, I talked to him 3 days ago. But before that, I hadn’t talked to him since the day I moved out. I kept calling him, kept emailing him, kept getting no response. And I know he was around. He was commenting on facebook about thing. But never to me. It hurt me so terribly. Apparently, he was just busy, he finally called me, but even still, it stings to know that the picture of my sister’s new hair cut was more important than a quick “hey how are you?” email to me.

I’m not really happy here, if I’m going to be totally honest, but all the reasons are stupid. I think it’s more that I’m unhappy because people expect me to be, because really, the things here are okay. Jeffrey’s grandma loves to take care of people. She loves feeding people, and she’s very get-things-done-ish. She once folded my laundry, because I left it in the drier for more than an hour, and seemed pretty thrilled when I thanked her. She’s such a sweet lady. I’ve never had anyone even offer to do so much for me, never mind actually going and doing it all. She’s wonderful. In fact, all my future in-laws are wonderful. I love Jeffrey’s parents too. I wish we got up to see them more (but they live about 2 hours away)

But she has some habits that drive me crazy. For example, she buys things that she doesn’t need, because they have a low price. They aren’t on sale, its not an unusually low price, but she’ll buy 8 loaves of bread because “it’s a good deal.” It is a good price, but it’s also their regular price. She goes to the grocery store every Tuesday. She really only needs one loaf of bread. If by next week she needs another, she can grab one for the same price, since she’ll be at the store anyways. And she puts it in the freezer, to keep it from going bad. But not just the 7 extra loaves of bread. She’ll freeze all 8 of them, and defrost a little if she wants it. It’s really irritating, when I’m hungry. You can’t defrost bread in the microwave; it’ll get soggy. So I have to wait several hours for the bread to come to room temperature. It’s not just bread that she does this with. It’s everything. I’ve never been in a house with so much delicious, but inedible food. I don’t plan my snacks in advance, and because of that, I no longer eat snacks all that often. And I feel so terribly guilty for being unhappy over something so silly. The phrase “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” comes back to me. But sometimes, I’m hungry and I don’t want to wait for bread to defrost, but I have no choice and it makes me cranky. I don’t like being hungry.

And the final bit, the thing that really kills me inside, is that yesterday was my sister’s 13th birthday, and she told me not to call her. I couldn’t even wish her a real happy birthday. It broke my heart. I don’t even know what to say about that. She wanted me to call in the evening, since she had plans in the day. I understand that. Makes perfect sense to me. I didn’t want to interrupt her plans. I texted her throughout the day a little, and wished her a few happy birthdays that way, but I was so eager to say it to her out-loud. I love birthdays. Anyone’s birthdays. They make me happy. So in the evening I texted her “Hey are you busy?” Her response was “No, but I don’t really want to talk. I’ll probably scream at the next person who tries”

“Are you okay? What happened?”
“Someone said something but I don’t want to talk about it.”

I sort of fell apart. First of all, who the hell pissed my sister off on her birthday? That’s not okay. I was totally ready to pummel whoever did that. And then I was hurt, because I wouldn’t get to say happy birthday to her. What kind of sister does call to say happy birthday? Ten years from now will she remember that I didn’t call her on her 13th birthday and be angry? I should have called, despite the threat of being yelled at. I mean, 13 is a big birthday. It’s when you turn into the dreaded teenager (which is a whole ‘nother emotional mess for me. I can clearly  remember the day Amanda was born. How on earth did that tiny baby turn into this teenager? And even moreso, how did it happen so fast?)

So yesterday I was dealing with that when someone posted a trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I smiled. I really love when people post Harry Potter things. HP was more-or-less my entire life for a few years, and is still a very much loved part of it. I occasionally spend my free time browsing the Harry Potter Wiki. So about half a second after I smiled, I burst into tears. I wasn’t just teary-eyed. I was actually sobbing. This movie will be part-one of the very last Harry Potter book. I can’t believe its almost over. I cried when the book series ended, because it was the end. But I managed to remind myself that it wasn’t the end. There were still movies to wait for and look forward to. But that’s not going to last much longer. Since I was 9 years old, I haven’t stopped waiting, stopped anticipating Harry Potter something. First I was waiting for the 4th book. Then the first movie, then the 5th book, and so on. Now what? I have the last bits of movies, and the encyclopedia that JKR promised, and then what? That’s half my life that’s almost over. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t like endings, even when they make sense. Even when it’s time for something to end. I don’t like books to end. I don’t like series to end. I didn’t want high school to end. I don’t like when songs end. When I enjoy something, I want to continue to enjoy it.

Stubbornly, I’ve refused to watch any of the Deathly Hallows trailers. I don’t want to admit that it’s ending. But last night I remembered right before the third movie came out. I was with Chelsea, and we had been working on a school project. I was in 7th grade, and the project was to design a plant. Yes, a plant. We called it Chrelesanie, which is both of our names merged together. That night was the same day that the trailer for the third movie came out. So as we worked, we had the trailer loading on her computer. Occasionally we’d stop to see how far it had gotten. She had dial-up internet, and it took forever, but I still remember that night, and remember how important that trailer was. I remember when the cover art for the Half-Blood-Prince book came out. I remember one of my friends on the bus had internet access through her cell phone and we spent forever trying to bring up a picture that we could see on her tiny little screen. I remember how much I ENJOYED the anticipation and waiting for these movies and books. I counted down days, and even hours. I have been to midnight book releases, and a midnight movie premier. And I think I finally do have to let myself watch Deathly Hallows trailers. Putting off seeing them wont make the end not come, but it will stop me from enjoying my anticipation of this movie, the way I’ve enjoyed waiting for every other book and movie.

I can’t believe I wrote more about Harry Potter than anything else. I’m such a nerd.

Mall Parents, a letter

Dear Mall Mothers and Fathers,
I have been told that I have no right to judge parents, because I am not a parent myself. But I do. I can’t help it. Some of the things I see you do seem so wrong to me. I’ve seen actions that make me want to throw things at you. I’ve overheard conversations that make my stomach turn. Maybe it’s not my place, and not my right, to tell you that you’re wrong. But I’m going to anyways, even if you never see it.

When your small child drops a single french fry, screaming at them and smacking them isn’t acceptable behavior. That’s a huge overreaction. It was ONE french fry. If you react that strongly over something so small, I’d hate to see what you do when they do something seriously wrong. If you are that crazy in public, I’d hate to see how you act in private.

When your 15 year old daughter buys a phone, you should not smash it, just because you don’t like the ring tone. I know that ring tone. It was the default tone. And from the shouting match that followed, I am even more certain you were being unreasonable. Your young teenage daughter pays you rent, buys her own food, buys her own clothes, and pays her own phone bill. She saved up for apparently 3 months to buy that phone. I was on her side when she demanded you buy her a new one. But you called her greedy, got up, and walked away from her. No, She shouldn't have yelled at you. You are the parent, and that's really disrespectful. But I think I know where she learned that from....

When you are in the mall, you need to keep an eye on your toddler. It should nto be up to a stranger to save your child from walking into a busy parking lot. And when someone DOES stop your child from walking in front of a car, you shouldn’t yell at the ‘rescuer’ because it’s “inappropriate” to touch other peoples children.

When your son is walking calmly by your side, on his kid-leash, you shouldn’t suddenly
grab the leash close to him and yank. He will fall down. And when he does fall, and when he starts crying, you shouldn’t laugh and say to your friend “I love this thing!” You just HURT your CHILD who wasn’t doing anything WRONG. And you are LAUGHING about it? I almost thought I had imagined it.

You shouldn’t insult your child by calling them fat and a cow, and a slob, and then buy them ice cream to ‘cheer them up’ when they start crying. That isn’t how things work.

You shouldn’t scream at your newborn to “shut the fuck up” when they cry. I know that sometimes it’s tough, when you haven’t gotten much sleep. But if you haven’t slept, why are you at the mall anyways? There isn’t anything that needs buying here. Just clothes. I can’t imagine a situation where clothing takes priority over sleep. Maybe I am being unreasonable on this one. I’ll admit that.

And then today’s event. Your daughter, looked to be about 3 or 4, was happy. Twirling around, giggling. And I looked up at you, parent, and smiled. She was adorable. For once, I was proud of a mall-family.

Up until the point where you came over to my table and threatened to call security over because I was being threatening and creepy. Up until you pulled your daughter aside, pointed to me and told her that I was the reason she shouldn’t talk to strangers.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s a great thing to teach your kids. But to personally target me as the “threatening stranger” because your daughter happen to dance directly in my line of sight? That’s ridiculous, and also insulting. If you don’t want people to acknowledge your daughters existence, don’t bring her out of the house.

Signed, Boat
The non-parent who is concerned for your children.

Summer at the Boat House

Well, don’t you just love it when you’re having a great day, and all of a sudden you think of something that might be a problem in the future? Yeah. I hate those moments.

So here’s the deal. I’m moving in with my mom this summer and I don’t know how to act. It’s been a long time since I’ve lived with her, sober. Mostly, about the balance of power. I’ve been living on my own for a year now, and before that, I was running her house for her. So I know she’s running her own house now, but how much of a say do I get in things? If I disagree with a punishment she makes for my sisters, am I allowed to say anything, or should I keep my mouth shut? Do I have to start asking her permission to take my sister to the pond? Do I have to start asking permission to do things just alone, because it’s her house and she’s in charge? What responsibilities do I have in the house? She isn’t charging us rent, so do I have to clean the kitchen or something? Or do I have to start paying some of her bills? Or do I have to be ever-available to baby sit? Because I actually might have a social life this summer. I’d rather not have to hang out at home ALL the time. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home and my sisters, but really? Every day with my little sisters? That would be a bit much for me.

But really? What is my place in this family now? What do I do?

I should not dwell on things that haven’t come to pass yet, so here’s something else: As I was writing this, my neighbor knocked on my door and asked for some flour so she could make cupcakes. She said she’d share. Life is good. Let’s hope the cupcakes are too.

Hmm this is my second post today. So much for kicking that addiction. Oh and Chelsea, the best friend, plugged this. That kinda wow-ed me, though I'm not sure why. Thanks Chels.