Dreams, and School, and other thoughts.

I know, I know, I've posted this before. It stopped, and then the problem came back twice as bad.

My dreams. They're crazy! In the past week I've gone on a road trip, given birth, been attacked by birds, been abandoned, gone back to high school, and a whole host of other things.

I used to love my dreams, loved remembering them when I woke up. This past week, I haven't slept a full night. They aren't just dreams, and then I wake up and remember them. That would be just fine. None of these dreams were horrifying. Some were scary, but none were absolutely terrifying. But each of them has been so vivid that I've woken up. This doesn't seem like a huge problem - I wake up once or twice throughout any night anyways - but when it's a dream that woke me up, rather than a chill because I lost the blanket, or an elbow to the face (thanks Jeffrey <3 ) it's different. I can't just roll over, get comfy and go back to sleep. It just doesn't work. I can get as comfy and cozy as I want, and my mind just keeps on running at 1000 miles an hour.

I don't think it's a sleep thing. I don't think that the problem is "I'm having trouble sleeping." I think the problem is something else. I think the problem is my brain's current state. I haven't been in a good place, mentally, lately. During the day, I've been scattered, tired, overwhelmed, and hating myself. And then I stop being overwhelmed because I get everything done, and when I stop being overwhelmed, I stop hating myself. But clearly being overwhelmed shouldn't make me hate myself the way it does. I need to clear my head. Even when I"m not overwhelmed, I'm not clear. I don't know how it get clear. My brain has too much stuff in it, and I think that is the cause of my lack-of-sleep. I just have too much in my head.

I don't know how to get all this crap out of my head. I just know I want it gone. And the thing about it is, it's not stressful stuff. My parents are both stable. My financial aid for the next semester came in and it's lovely, and I do get to go back to school after all, for at least one more semester. If my parents and uncle can't help me (they have promised to, but I don't know how far I trust their promises) I will be okay for the fall. Fall semester is only going to cost me a little over $6000 out of pocket. Right now, I have that money. It was supposed to be money for me to get my license and a car, but school is more important. My apartment is close enough that I can walk to school if I need to. It'll take me probably about an hour to walk there, but my classes for next semester aren't early in the morning. It's doable, and I still have an ounce of hope that my parents or uncle will help out at least partially.

But that's good new. A week ago I didn't think I'd be going to school at all. My sisters are both doing fine. My health has taken a turn for the better (except for the lack of sleep. that's putting me down a bit) and Jeffrey's doing great. My boss has finished his firing spree and work has been great lately. I've been writing and writing and writing. I don't know why I can't clear my mind. I wish I could.

I wish I could sleep.