"I wanna go 'ome"

Last night at work I was vacuuming.

About 4 years ago, I was in the car with my mom, heading back from somewhere. I can't even remember where.

Last night, I was tired.

That night years ago, my mother was sober, but tired.

At work, I said to myself "I wanna go home" and I was struck with a 4 year old memory.

Wherever we had been, we had been there all day. It was lateish, nighttime. We both got a case of the giggles coming down the high-way, but we hit traffic and our giggles faded off. "I wanna go home," my mother said in a bit of a sing-song voice. I repeated it, note-for-note. She sang it again, but even sillier, and she kept going. "I wanna go 'ome.... let me go home, 'cause that's where I live, and...." she paused, couldn't come up with another line. I filled in "and that's why I call it home."  We both laughed, and sang that silly-stupid song several times on our way home.

I started crying, while I vacuumed. Despite the bad times my mother and I have had, we also had some good times. Mostly when she was sober, but even one or two times when she was drunk. We were pretty close, despite it all.

I haven't heard from her at all since I saw her at Christmas. No phone calls. Nothing at all. not even a "Mumma says hi" from anyone else that I know has talked to her.

Last night, I would have given anything for a mom-hug, or a silly song. I miss her so much. I miss the her that I loved. Where is she? How is she? I wish I could call her. She's my mom. I miss her.

Employed, NaNoWriMo, and Tears of Joy

A few days ago something really wonderful happened. I cried, just because the situation was so unbelievably touching. I didn't post it, because even though I had tears of joy streaming from my eyes, I was simultaneously having a panic attack about a job interview I had scheduled. The interview is over; they hired me on the spot! I'm thrilled. On to the more important, more touching, unbelievably sweet things. The thing that's made me not stop smiling since it happened.

Small bit of backstory: my sisters have been fighting a lot lately. They actually got into a fist fight a few days ago that Lauren told me about.

The other night I received the following chain of text messages (conveniently connected into one large text block for you to read here, and all txt-speak converted into their normal-word counterparts.)

"Hi Erin, It's Mindi. I now have custory of the girls. I took them so they didn't have to be split up and I could help them. I need your help as well. They are gighting all the time. You need to explain to them I love them and only want to do  what's best, but they need to learn how it's done here. Tell them "don't fight so much." I am a good mom and I will take care of them. Erin, I'm so sorry you all went through that you did, but I'm on their side. I do and always will love you all. I just need a little cooperation. I can't have my other kids suffer and take a back burner. We all have to work as one family. Please help that understand that I wont turn my back. I just need us all to work together. Love you, xoxo, Mindi"

I nearly cried at the words "My other kids." She didn't say "my kids" she said "other." It sort of touched something in me. She wasn't putting my sisters above them, but she wasn't ranking hers above my sisters either. That she loved them so much, cared, and really wanted to make things work for all of them..... I can't even really explain what that means to me. I've known the family for a long time. Mindi's daughter has been Lauren's best friend for years, and I used to babysit all three of Mindi's kid. I've always known Mindi was a sweet person, loving, kind, and loyal, but this sort of melted my heart.

"Erin I love them and I will always do anything I can. I just need you to tell them to work with me, not against me. They got in a fight today, so I took their phones away, including Kenzi's. And now I look like the bad guy, but I'm just treating them the way I would treat my own kids. I hope they get it, that I'm a mom that cares and wont put up with BS. Please help me keep them. I'm afraid if they are moved, we weill have lost them. I really love them and only want the best for them, even though it's hard. I'm thinking of putting Manda in voice lessons and get Lauren on Bball."

I can't remember if I ever mentioned it, but Manda LOVES music, is teaching herself to play guitar and loves to sing. Last year, Lauren started playing basketball and loved that too. That Mindi knew that, remembered, cared enough to think about signing them up, made me want to cry. She's such a sweet person.  I told her as much, and mentioned how much they would love those things.

"Thank you for your help. I had to take their phones away today because they were so difficult, but that's what needs to be done sometimes. But they will have them back tomorrow morning."

I talked to my sisters, tried to help as best I could. Let them know that Mindi loves them. Reminded them that I love them.

And as happy as I am, I can't help but have a small part of me be so angry that my mother never stepped up to do for the girls what Mindi is doing. But that angry bit is small. I can't wipe the smile off my face, and I'm crying again.
 _______________

On a totally unrelated note: I've signed up for NaNoWriMo, and will be tracking my progress (including pre-planning) over at Making Waves, my writing blog.

Thought Questions

As seems to be my norm lately, I was feeling miserable today. Just a moment ago, I found this website. Thought Questions. It's a fairly new website. Only been around since march. Reading through the questions sort of opened my eyes and made me feel better. Now, as a challenge to myself I'm going to answer one of these questions every day for a week.

I will take one from each of the first seven pages on the website. I will also do this, after posting every negative post, in the future.

Today's will be: What do you love most about yourself? The questions on the first page aren't my favorites, but there are a ton on page 3 that I love. Oh well. First day. First page. Today's question.

I love that I don't give up. I simply don't give up. I often say "I give up!" but I don't. If I gave up every time I said it, I would have given up on my LIFE years and years ago. I would have given up on all my friendships. I would have given up on love. I would have given up on my sisters. On my mother. On myself. But here I am, 19 years old, and NOT GIVING UP!

Not giving up on myself: I am going to school, I am working, I am searching for an apartment.

Not giving up on friendship and love.

Not giving up on my family. I am taking care of them as best I can.I shouldn't have to. I know that. I also know I could walk away now and not take care of them. I wont. I don't give up. I don't think I know how.
At least, I don't think I don't know how to give up on something I love.

And I love that about myself. I love that I don't give up. :D

On an unrelated note: I'm going to start working on my bucket list. Every time I go to add tags to my posts, I see that one staring me in the face. I will start that. French braiding. Learning. Now.

Gift Giving

My mom decided to have Christmas this summer. I didn’t get to go home over the holiday, and was also broke and couldn’t mail the presents I got for people. I also have a small inkling that my mom didn’t actually mail me my Christmas presents. She told me she did, but the tracking number she gave me didn’t show anything and the presents never showed up. She didn’t seem to care at all about losing what she had told me was over $200 worth of stuff in the mail. The other day she mentioned buying me something that I was told had already been bought.

It doesn’t matter much, but I wish she had been honest. It’s the little things that get to you. You don’t have to buy me presents, but please don’t lie about it. I hate being lied to.

Whatever. Lots of “Christmas” shopping and birthdays to catch up on. Shipping is pricey, so I haven’t really been keeping up with the birthdays either.

I love giving presents. People light up when they’re given gifts. It makes me feel wanted. Needed. Appreciated..... yes. I give presents for the selfish reason of “it makes me feel good.” But I don’t feel guilty about that. It makes them feel good too, and that’s what counts right?

But I hate CHOOSING presents. I get a bit of shopping anxiety. What if they don’t like it? What if they lose it? What if they were hoping it was something else? What if someone else gives them the same thing? On and on. It takes me forever to pick a present for someone. Sometimes I just settle with giving someone cash. Other times I spend months trying to get them to see something and say “I want that.” I will remember. I will get it. And then I will hope and pray that when they get it they still want it. Thats really hard with my sisters, who change their minds all the time.

My mom is easy. I say “What do you want,” and she gives me a list of ten things. I still get to surprise her, because she doesn’t know which I’ll get her, but its still something I'm sure she wants. No one else is like that. This Christmas I asked one sister what she wanted and her response was “I dunno, just Stuff.”

Thanks, Lauren dear. I’m really loving the vagueness. But I know what to get her, because later she mentioned something.

I just hope I get everyone things they want.... and I have a large list of who “everyone” includes.

I'm such a sap. :P

Today’s blog is about thankfulness. Yep. That’s all its about. Despite all the mess my family is in, I really am blessed. Mostly, I’m blessed with a great family.

Okay, you’re probably thinking “Family? Isn’t that her biggest complaint?” Well, sure it is. But as individuals, I like them all. They drive me crazy, as a unit, but I love them.

There’s a little more too it than that though. Family isn’t just the people you share genes with. It’s the people you can share jeans with (That was a pun. A stupid one, but still a pun. I won’t erase it and you can’t make me!) It’s your best friends who you share a lot with. You know, I’m not really sure what I would do without all of you. This is so terribly sappy, but really, my best friends keep me sane.

I don’t think I think you enough. I can’t imagine that you realize how much you mean to me. There are some of you, that I would give my life for. There are some of you who are just so unbelievably strong, in the face of whatever current tradgedy hits you. There are some who aren’t so strong; those who let me take care of them. Most of you are combinations of those things. It means a lot to me to help people, and it means even more when people want to help me.

There are people who I lost touch with, and gotten back again. There are people who I lost touch with who I SHOULD get back again. There are people I’ve lost touch with that I’ll never get back again. But I love you, and I’m grateful for you.

AND....I’m such a sap. Mostly I just wanted to say thank you for keeping me from going crazy. Manda, Lauren, Jeffrey, Chelsea, Eric, Megan, Banksie, Maureen, and Accentuate Authors (because it would take forever to list you each one by one) I love you all and I thank you.

And I promise to be a little less mushy tomorrow. Deal?