Snow, and day two of my big vacation.

I saw my mom today.

What?! I know. It’s been a while since I updated. I’ve been sort of floating along on my own. Letting things sit on my mind. It’s been weird. I don’t really know what I’m doing. I like to write blog posts, when I have something to say. A plan, an oppinion. Right now, I feel sort of lost. Floaty. I’m just plodding along without direction.

My mom called me about a week or two ago. I’m happy to hear from her. I’ve missed her. But I’m still angry. She understands that, I guess. We talked about it. We talked about a lot, today. I went to the center she was in. She’s doing well. She says its hard, but I reminded her that everything worth doing requires a lot of effort. I encouraged her. She said she’d stay in her program as long as she thinks she needs it, and she can afford to pay the rent in the house, and for the program. I told her that if money became an issue, and she had to choose between the house and the program, that she should choose the program. Do what she needs to do to get better. To take care of herself, of us as a family. What good is a home that you love, if it’s filled with miserable people?

I’m trying to encourage her, without putting my own faith in her. I can’t keep letting my heart get broken. I can’t do it anymore. But it was alright. It was nice to see her. I’m feeling strange.

Yesterday I saw my sisters. Manda’s been in a hospital for the past three weeks for an eating disorder. It sort of breaks my heart, but the truth is, I saw it coming. It doesn’t surprise me. Even over the summer I had back-of-my-mind concerns. I worry, but I’m relieved that she’s getting help. She got out on a day pass yesterday for christmas, so we spent the day at her foster family’s home. Me, Jeffrey, my dad, my sisters, and a TON of other people that are awesome. It was awesome.

There’s a blizzard going on outside the house right now. I’m afraid that ti’s going to ruin my trip. I want to see my sisters again, but if we’re snowed in, I cant. I want to see my aunt (oh jeeze, I need a whole post about that) but if we’re snowed in, I cant. I want to see at least one of my friends, but if we’re snowed in.... you get the picture. It’s just a hassle. I LOVE LOVE LOVE snow, but the timing on it is so awful. I’m not pleased.

I feel strange tonight. Really emotional, but sort of disconnected. I dunno. I just don’t know.

Weekly Positives

Oops I’m two days late on my Weekly Positives!
So here we go:
1) I have finished reading Bonfire Stories and I’m NOT disappointed. It was wonderful. I will be writing a review of it at some point
2) I asked people to write me recommendations for and both agreed. I thought they were going to tell me no I’m not good enough, but I guess I am.
3) I got to dress up all pretty last weekend. I love dressing up.
4) We bought TWENTY REAMS of paper for only $8. Now I don’t have to feel so guilty about printing out pages and pages of stuff.
5) Jeffrey and I had a talk the other night that made me realize how I’m too hard on myself. I’ve felt a little better since then
6) I haven’t fallen down the stairs in over a week. That’s a big accomplishment! (Lets not talk about slipping in the grass the other day with the laundry. Haha)

That’s all for this week.

Gift Giving

My mom decided to have Christmas this summer. I didn’t get to go home over the holiday, and was also broke and couldn’t mail the presents I got for people. I also have a small inkling that my mom didn’t actually mail me my Christmas presents. She told me she did, but the tracking number she gave me didn’t show anything and the presents never showed up. She didn’t seem to care at all about losing what she had told me was over $200 worth of stuff in the mail. The other day she mentioned buying me something that I was told had already been bought.

It doesn’t matter much, but I wish she had been honest. It’s the little things that get to you. You don’t have to buy me presents, but please don’t lie about it. I hate being lied to.

Whatever. Lots of “Christmas” shopping and birthdays to catch up on. Shipping is pricey, so I haven’t really been keeping up with the birthdays either.

I love giving presents. People light up when they’re given gifts. It makes me feel wanted. Needed. Appreciated..... yes. I give presents for the selfish reason of “it makes me feel good.” But I don’t feel guilty about that. It makes them feel good too, and that’s what counts right?

But I hate CHOOSING presents. I get a bit of shopping anxiety. What if they don’t like it? What if they lose it? What if they were hoping it was something else? What if someone else gives them the same thing? On and on. It takes me forever to pick a present for someone. Sometimes I just settle with giving someone cash. Other times I spend months trying to get them to see something and say “I want that.” I will remember. I will get it. And then I will hope and pray that when they get it they still want it. Thats really hard with my sisters, who change their minds all the time.

My mom is easy. I say “What do you want,” and she gives me a list of ten things. I still get to surprise her, because she doesn’t know which I’ll get her, but its still something I'm sure she wants. No one else is like that. This Christmas I asked one sister what she wanted and her response was “I dunno, just Stuff.”

Thanks, Lauren dear. I’m really loving the vagueness. But I know what to get her, because later she mentioned something.

I just hope I get everyone things they want.... and I have a large list of who “everyone” includes.