So Close, but so far away!

I got a message this morning on facebook from my sister, saying my mom had relapsed and she was scared. It was timestamped 2am. I messaged her back, and have been calling and texting, but I haven't gotten any response from her since then. My other sister seemed normal and unaware when I talked to her this morning, and I didn't have the heart to break the news to her. For a little while I was in denial. Maybe Lauren had misunderstood. A miscommunication. Maybe Lauren had a bad dream, and, half asleep at 2am had thought it to be reality.

I'm feeling really numb. I'm not really surprised, and I'm not heartbroken. I'm surprisingly okay. It frightens me, to know that I have become so numb to this. I would have expected to feel angry, like I always used to be. Hurt, offended. Worried, scared and heartbroken. Really, I just worry what this means for my sisters, how it will effect them, and I worry for my mothers internal organs. But as for me, personally, I'm only minimally effected.

I hate not knowing what's going on, but I haven't the guts to call anyone who might know. I keep calling my sisters, and I'll offer my support to them. They always will have me. But eh. I can't say I didn't expect this to happen at some point. Even the best of people, the most determined fall off the wagon a few times before they reach a safe, stable place. She was doing everything right, but sometimes it just takes time, and I could hear in her voice how impatient she was.

Its one of the reasons I didn't want her to visit me. I couldn't handle that sort of..... seeing her and watching her fall. I can almost bet that if I was home, I would be feeling something unpleasant right now. From Virginia, I worry. In Massachusetts, I'd surely be in a frenzy right now.

I feel unbelievably numb. I don't feel like a whole lot of anything. It's sucked the enjoyment and happy out of my day, but that hasn't been replaced by sad and anger. I feel somewhat empty. All I really feel right now is a desire to hear back from my sisters, to have them tell me that they're okay.

I was going to call my aunt today, just to chat and catch up, but it's been so long since I called her. I dont want it to seem like I only call her when something goes wrong. I had planned on calling her.