History of Erin Boat

History of Erin Boat
The Unnecessary Backstory (the beginning)

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End of an Era

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But Anyway by Blues Traveler

M is for Mumma

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I've been back in touch with my mother for the past..... little while. I dunno how long. Not very, but weirdly, it feels like a long time. I guess because she's my mother, and I've known her my whole life.


It's awkward talking about her. A part of me can't forgive her. After all that time, and all that stuff that I have forgiven her for, I guess I'm just worn out. I'm not really still angry, so much as afraid to build a relationship with her.

But she's my mom. I want to. I love her. I miss her. Secret Life of the American Teenager (yes, I watch that show. No, you aren't allowed to laugh at me. I watch a lot of TV that I don't usually admit to watching) said something on it's last episode about how abused children still want to love their parents. I relate. I love my mother, and I want a relationship with her. But I'm so scared. And I'm still so hurt. Not angry, but offended. I guess I'm taking it personally.

No one else wants to hear about her, or about how I'm trying to fix things. Everyone else I talk to is either like "she's bad news" or else "so what? it's your mom. of course you talk. it's not worth mentioning that you talked to your mother today."

I guess no one gets it. I expected Jeffrey to, because he and his dad had an issue too at one point. But he doesn't. He doesn't forgive my mother, want to hear about her, want anything to do with her. Fine. But I do. He doesn't understand. I expected Chelsea to understant too, but I think she's too busy. I don't even know if I've tried to talk to her about it. She's go-go-go-go-go maybe even more than I am. I guess I don't want to bother her with my lukewarm ness.

I don't know what I want to do. I'm really digging this phone-relationship that we have. We talk once in a while, and that's that. No pressure because that's all there is: phone calls. and they aren't scheduled. She can't let me down. But as much as I really like the lack-of-pressure of this arrangement, as part of me really wants a mom-hug. And phones just don't allow it.

She comes home this weekend. She's out of rehab right now, and in a sober house, which I guess is some sort of halfway-house for sobriety. Then this weekend, she moves home. I'm excited for her. I'm scared. I miss her. I don't forgive her.

I don't even know what I feel right now. I'm glad she's coming home, but I don't trust her to take care of herself at home, and I'd really rather her take care of herself than try and do something she's not ready for. But maybe she is ready. I can't see her. I don't know. I'm so confused. I definitely want her in my life, but I don't know what role I want her in. I don't think I'll ever be able to respect her as a parent again. But I do love her and want her in my life. I just..... don't know.

4 comments:

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Sometimes it's hard to be a mother as likewise it's hard being a daughter/son. I liked reading what you wrote and I bet deep down she has that unconditional love a mother has for her offsprings. But, mothers can't be perfect all the time and make mistakes like everyone else. Please don't be too hard on her.I speak from expereience.
Yvonne.

April 19, 2011 at 1:20 PM
Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

If people weren't involved, relationships would've be so difficult, would they?
Hope you're enjoying the Challenge. Don't worry if you fall behind - just start with the current day's letter and move on.

April 24, 2011 at 4:55 PM
Sylvia Ney said...

Best of luck finding peace in that relationship. I'm so glad I found your blog! I'm stopping by from the A to Z challenge and I look forward to visiting again.

April 29, 2011 at 9:26 AM
Elizabeth Mueller said...

*hugs* I wish you the best...

Guess what?

Here's to making it this far, congratulations! I have an award for you!!

May 3, 2011 at 1:32 AM

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