"I wanna go 'ome"

Last night at work I was vacuuming.

About 4 years ago, I was in the car with my mom, heading back from somewhere. I can't even remember where.

Last night, I was tired.

That night years ago, my mother was sober, but tired.

At work, I said to myself "I wanna go home" and I was struck with a 4 year old memory.

Wherever we had been, we had been there all day. It was lateish, nighttime. We both got a case of the giggles coming down the high-way, but we hit traffic and our giggles faded off. "I wanna go home," my mother said in a bit of a sing-song voice. I repeated it, note-for-note. She sang it again, but even sillier, and she kept going. "I wanna go 'ome.... let me go home, 'cause that's where I live, and...." she paused, couldn't come up with another line. I filled in "and that's why I call it home."  We both laughed, and sang that silly-stupid song several times on our way home.

I started crying, while I vacuumed. Despite the bad times my mother and I have had, we also had some good times. Mostly when she was sober, but even one or two times when she was drunk. We were pretty close, despite it all.

I haven't heard from her at all since I saw her at Christmas. No phone calls. Nothing at all. not even a "Mumma says hi" from anyone else that I know has talked to her.

Last night, I would have given anything for a mom-hug, or a silly song. I miss her so much. I miss the her that I loved. Where is she? How is she? I wish I could call her. She's my mom. I miss her.