Virginia

Everything blew up. I'm going back to VA.

It happened so fast, that I'm not sure I even know what happened. Jeffrey's job fell through. I found out that for-sure I can't go to my college this semester. I got angry with my mom.

I can't afford to support us on my own. Cost of living is too high. More than twice what I make, just for one person. Never-mind for two. We have no apartment anyways.

And we're leaving. Only, now I don't know what to do. I told my boss, but now what? I don't know how to tell my family and my friends. I'm a little ashamed of giving up. Of going back. So now the plan is, move in with his grandmother. Find jobs. Move out. I plan on applying to Hollins, which is right near there, and going there in the spring. At this point, it no longer matters to me where my degree is from, so long as I get it. I need to be able to survive, more than I need to go to Lesley. Maybe I'll go to Lesley for my masters. Right now though, I just need to get out of here, to a place that we can afford.

I feel guilty. I promised my sisters I wouldn't leave them. I promised my dad I'd be back in Massachusetts. I promised my aunt that she could visit my college with me. I'm breaking promises, and in my mind, that's the biggest show of disrespect there is.

But I think that this is what I need to do. I'm sad. I'm guilty. But I need to take care of myself. Every hour I change my mind. Some I want to cry, others I'm glad.

Right now, I'm neither sad, nor glad. I'm just contemplative..... and hungry.