History of Erin Boat

History of Erin Boat
The Unnecessary Backstory (the beginning)

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End of an Era

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But Anyway by Blues Traveler

I'm just a kid

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Me, when I was little

Sometimes it hits me hard, like a truck: I’m still just a kid.

I’m dwelling on this custody thing? Did I mention it in one of the other blogs that I tend to dwell on things? If not, now you know. I am a dweller, and I’m dwelling (I really love the word dwell!)

Back to the point: I’m just a kid. Sometimes I forget it. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be grown up. Trying to take care of people. Trying to be independent. I don’t like asking for help. A part of me, not the rational part, thinks it weak, and immature. The rational part of me knows that everyone needs help sometimes.

My sister’s future potentially rests in my hands. That’s way more than any 19 year old wants to hear. I have a person depending on me? What? But.... but... but... I’m not old enough for that kind of responsibility. Yeah right. Life doesn’t work that way. And in a way, it’s not any more than I ever have had to do. I’ve always been the one taking care of my sisters. I’ve always been the one taking care of my mom. So why is it so hard to make a decision, this time?

That’s exactly why. Because it’s a decision. I never had to think about it before. Sisters are hungry? Make dinner. Mom needs to be brought back in (she used to sleep walk)? Go get her and hide the car keys so she doesn’t try to sleep-drive. Sister is sick? Send her back to bed, and bring her juice, or tea, or read to her. Mom is drunk? Direct her anger at me instead of the girls.

It was all automatic, because nothing that was good for one was ever bad for the other. This is different. We can’t all win. I think this is the hardest of the situations. Sure, it sucked when they got taken away. It sucked when I couldn’t call them. But there wasn’t anything I could do about it. At the time I probably said that I hated feeling useless. Now, I wish there wasn’t anything I could do.

Inaction, that horrible waiting, unsure but unable to do anything about it. That hurts.

But action, and potentially making the wrong decision? That hurts more. I can’t handle guilt. I’ve had issues handling guilt my whole life. It’s one of the emotions that totally can tear me apart. When I’m angry, I can remain composed. When someone hurts or betrays me, I can suffer in silence, with a smile on my face. But guilt? Nope. I’ll end up sitting in a puddle of my own tears and tissues. Sometimes, it even makes me nauseated. A guilty Boat isn’t a pretty Boat.

But I think this time, inaction would cause just as much guilt as the wrong action would. So maybe I will speak at the hearing, but if I do, I’m not going to lie. I’ve written myself a speech. I’m sure when the time comes, I won’t actually make the speech. I’ll say something shorter, and less emotional, less messy, but here it is, anyways.

My mom has had a lot of ups and downs. When she’s up, when she’s sober, she’s super mom. Right now, she’s up. In a big way, I want Lauren to experience that. Some of my best memories are of me and my mom, when she was sober. But I’m scared. Because every up is followed by a down. And I can’t imagine putting Lauren through that any more. I was there. I saw what happened to all of us. We were a mess. I don’t want to take that risk with her. I was a pretty screwed up kid, emotionally. I was never happy. I’m scared for her. And I think it’s best for her to stay where she is. But then again, what if my mom stays sober? There’s no way to see into the future, and what that was the last ‘down’ she’ll ever go through? What if she doesn’t drink again, but Lauren wasn’t there to see how great of a mother she was when she was sober? I don’t know what’s best. I side with Lauren, whatever she wants to do. She’s a smart kid. I think she knows what’s best for her.

So that’s what I’ll say, or at least, the idea behind it. I will go along with whatever an 11 year old tells me.

But I’m terrified. I’m just a kid. Kid’s shouldn’t control other people’s lives.

Also, the speakers on my laptop are not working properly. It’s REALLY irritating.


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