History of Erin Boat

History of Erin Boat
The Unnecessary Backstory (the beginning)

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Most Recent Post
End of an Era

Quote of the Moment

Quote of the Moment
Link to Writing Blog

Current Favorite Song

Current Favorite Song
But Anyway by Blues Traveler

I is for Internal Dialogue

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

This post is hard for me to write. It means admitting things about myself that I'd rather just sweep under the rug. But I started this blog as a place for me to just get some things off my chest. A place to cry to when I needed to cry. So this is... that. And because this is so personal, there will be a rather liberal use of swears.

Lately, I've really been hating myself, and I don't want to say it, because then what? Is everyone supposed to tell me "oh you're so great"? Will that help? No, not really. Not even a little. People say that crap to me all the time. That's not it.

It's hard to explain, really. I hate myself because I've never DONE anything. Nothing worth being proud of, or at least, nothing I'm supposed to be proud of. Nothing anyone else is proud of. Everyone reminds me how I'm "overcoming" my situation. No. Stop it. That's TOTAL CRAP. Everyone has shit to deal with. I don't want to be "better than expected, given the life I had" I want to be actually, real "good." Good at something, compared to anyone, everyone. Does that make sense?

Children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholics themselves. Fine, whatever. BUT I DON'T WANT people to praise me for NOT BEING AN ALCOHOLIC. Lots of people aren't drinkers. I want people to compliment me for doing a good job, rather than for not doing a bad job. And I don't want people to compliment me for doing a mediocre job either. That's shit. If I do average when you expect me to do badly, well yeah, it's good I didn't do badly, but it's not worth complimenting me on either. You're either really good, in which case you deserve a compliment, or else you aren't. There are no "you're maybe sorta good."

So, I tried to be a super hero. I want so badly to be a super hero, for someone. Turns out, I am just average. I'm not cut out for super-herodom. I wanted to be that girl who was a full-time straight-A college student, working 40 hours a week, running her own household, paying her own way through school and keeping up with her own bills, and I wanted all that while still having time to spend with my fiance.

I tried it. I gave it my best.

And I failed. Right now, I'm the girl whose only working 30 hours a week instead fo 40, and still can't get straight As. I'm looking like a B+ student right now. My bills are paid, but I needed help paying for college. I haven't spent quality time with Jeffrey in FOREVER, and if it weren't for him, it would be a mess too. I haven't done the dishes or the laundry in ages.

I hate myself for it. I can look at it logically, and see that, while I'm not being amazing, I'm still doing pretty good, still doing alright, not failing, but it feels like failure. I'm not doing what I want. I'm not doing anything worth being proud of. LOTS of people go to college. Lots of people work and get decent grades. A degree doesn't even mean anything anymore. It doesn't mean you're smart; I've met a lot of dumb people with degrees. It doesn't mean you're hard-working; if all you do is school, it's not hard at all. It doesn't even mean you're going to get a good job.

I'm so damn tired of being not good enough. What the hell. I've given up on doing the things that mean the most to me (time with Jeffrey and writing my book) so that I could have this. So that I could go to school and have my job and be something special that everyone can look at. And now, I have nothing.


V. Furnas said...

I feel your pain. I tried to be wonder woman too. The shiny underwear is too tight and there is no way she has a family running around all day saving people. I can barely get my shoes to match before leaving in the morning much less save anyone.

A friend gave me some advice...do one thing for you everyday and you won't get so bogged down in all the things you can't do. That one 10 minutes of writing, or reading, or snuggling on the sofa can change your entire attitude. Don't be so hard on yourself...no one asked you to put that cape on anyways.

April 12, 2011 at 4:04 PM

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